I'm Addicted To You

This is where I was in October of 2006. In September of this year, I turn 40. So much has changed since this first post, I can hardly believe it myself. Bottom line though? It is all about small choices, small steps, that make life-altering changes in your health, in your outlook, and in the quality of your life. I've learned that it is not about trying to be perfect ... what is perfect anyway? ... it is not about never having sugar, or a drink, or skipping a workout.

It is about making the best choices within the life that YOU enjoy living. Making choices that let you be more, have more, do more, believe more.

Life ... with moxie.

___________

I’m a mess.

• I just turned 37.
• Despite having a crazy flat stomach for most of my life, in the past year I have developed an undeniable gut ... and what seem to be wings on the undersides of my arms. I’ll continue to think I’m finally turning into the angel my mommy always told me that I was.
• OH ... and frighteningly, everything between my waist and knees has turned into pale white orange rind. Some sort of strange, foreign landscape that reminds me of my mother’s constantly present containers of Breakstone’s Cottage Cheese that grossed me out so badly when I was a child.
• I’ve been quitting smoking since I got my first prescription for the patch in 1993 ... when I was 23. Now I am a smoker of 21 years, give or take some smoke-free moments, when I quit on my 37th birthday. At this writing, a FULL ON WEEK AGO.
• I drank ... heavily, I might add ... until I was 34 years old; when I quit completely for almost two years. Now ... yeah, well ... I’m drinking again. Glasses of wine here and there. Not as badly, but low grade consistently.
• I have been chronically depressed since I can remember.
• I have isolated myself ... physically, emotionally ...
• I have never, since I quit my ballet/toe/jazz/modern/tap/Hawaiian dance classes of my youth at 16, indulged in any regular form of exercise.
• I am bored and unimpressed by what life has had to offer me ... but I'm adult enough to know that I have wasted away most of my greatest moments and opportunities.
• I still have no idea what I want to do with my life ...
• I have a well-done everything bagel with cream cheese habit so bad, I don’t even have to speak my order out LOUD any longer in the bagel place I frequent every weekday morning. Even the part time guys who are there every other month because someone is sick knows what I eat for breakfast ... every day.
• I am addicted to the stories of other people’s lives. I can read and watch celebrity trash until my eyes bleed. I just love it. Other people’s lives seem so much more interesting than my own.
• I waste my life away on distractions. I spend most of my days just trying to finding something, anything, to distract me from the BS going on around me. I can waste away entire weekends on my couch between television and DVDs.
• I see my trangressions in my skin ... and in my body.
• I feel my trangressions in my spirit.
• I still enjoy some of my trangressions.

I have spent a lot of time thinking that everything would change if I just fueled by body and my mind and my spirit more healthfully. Instead of what I bombard it with now ... which is crap and negativity.

I have dabbled in vegetarianism. In veganism. In the Raw thang. In the Being Healthy and Making Healthy Choices Thing.

I have eaten nothing but fruit for days at a time ... until I have a box of Cheez Its, a six-pack of Miller Light and a ½ pint of Soy Dream Ice Cream for the same nights at dinner. I’ve even fasted for up to 6 full days ... and then had pizza, beer, and cigarettes the following day.

I’ve tried to learn how to meditate, but I just can’t sit still long enough. It doesn't make sense to me. Quiet in my head is boring.

Don't make me admit the rest of it. Let's all just agree that I have no idea what I’m doing and that I am Little Girl Lost. What I HAVE figured out however, is that something BIG has to change. Living my life like THIS any more ... just can't be.

I make no sense, even to my*self, right now.

Britney Spears’-worst-song-ever-help-me! i AM toxic

I know exactly in my head, the woman that I see ... the "me" that makes the most sense ... but she’s on the other side of this ... thing that I can’t quite get through.

I feel, in so many ways, that I am completely lost right now. Just spinning in that lovely way that we, as humans, can do.

Just ... BLEH. Just so unbelieveably nonplussed and BLEH. I have spent an entire lifetime looking to find that one thing to FIX ... that will change everything in my life. Cause this is not what I thought it was going to be all about.

I expected so much more from life.